“Someday, if your life is long and your thinking machinery stays in gear, you’ll live to remember the last good thing that ever happened to you. That’s not pessimism talking, just logic.”

—Stephen King

What do you do if your thinking machinery doesn’t stay in gear? I’m not sure what the answer is. But, I’m 42, with a history of cerebrovascular disease. I’m at risk of vascular dementia as a result. If a second stroke doesn’t take me out, I guess I have this to look forward to.

Most people my age are taking vacations with their kids, or moving up at their jobs. I’m over here contemplating if I need long term care insurance because mostly likely, I’m going to end up needing it.

What was the last good thing to happen to me, then?

Yesterday, my son grabbed his twin brother, told him he loved him and hugged him. I grabbed them both and hugged them together with one of them yelling “group hug!” He has such a loving spirit. He is the sweetest and purest form of love I have ever known.

The last good “big thing” that happened might have been the Foo Fighters concert a few years ago. We were so close to the stage. We took a limo there and back. We had so many babysitters for the four kids. The whole night was so expensive but it was so worth it.

Meanwhile, the store bought serotonin isn’t really getting me out of this depression funk because it doesn’t change the reality of my situation.

What do I have to look forward to? It’s not a vacation with the kids. It’s an MRI this summer. To look for more aneurysms. What does that looming possibility give me? Just more anxiety and depression.

After I came home from rehab, I had about four months of feeling like I hit the lottery. I survived this awful thing. I got to see my kids and family again. I didn’t have any major deficits (that I knew of yet). I was grateful and happy; feeling the deep sweetness only those who’ve been near death can know.

Then my first flashback hit.

And it all changed.

I wish I could get back to that sweet feeling. I wish I could just be happy and grateful again.