We spent the day outside playing in the snow. It’s a lot of work, getting the kids dressed in snow pants, socks, boots, gloves, hats, and coats. Times four kids.

But, they had fun. They always do.

I hope someday they understand that I tried my best. Most days, I feel like my best is just okay. But, we all have a lot we are dealing with. Just like I’ll never understand what it’s like to have autism, or ADHD, or a G-tube; they’ll never understand what it’s like to survive a ruptured brain aneurysm (at least I hope they never have one).

I’m trying my best. I keep telling myself that. I wish I had more energy, more time, and more mental bandwidth. I wish I had a few clones. One of them could work, two of them could take care of the kids, one of them could do all the chores. 🤣

If only.

At least for today, they got outside, they played to their heart’s content, and they wore themselves out. I fed my brain some sunshine. That’s supposed to be good for me.

I’ll pay for it tomorrow. I’ll be tired and I’ll have a headache. That’s the trade off for having a good day. At least one bad one follows.

That’s what I’ve learned about living with a brain injury. You don’t get multiple good days in a row. You get one here and there, and then you pay for them with fatigue, pain, and brain fog. Hopefully, that only lasts one day, but I have to prepare for the possibility that it will last multiple days.

It’s a shit trade off.

Maybe someday, there will be better therapies for people like me. But, for now, I’m dealing with the situation as best as I know how. I try to meditate and go to bed early. I try to control the nightmares and flashbacks with medication. The headaches I can’t control at all. I’m a few days away from my next round of Botox. Things will inevitably flare and worsen after that. So, I have that to look forward to.

Once you leave the hospital in the US, they don’t follow up with how you are doing, overall. I get my MRIs and angiograms, and I see multiple other docs for the headaches and psych issues. But no one can fix the fatigue. No one can give me multiple good days in a row.