I’m struggling with anxiety and self-worth, again. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to provide for my family. I’m worried about screwing up at work because of my brain injury. I suppose it’s an intrusive thought. I’ve managed to work for almost five years since my aneurysm rupture, and no one has made any serious inquiries about my abilities to perform my job.
It’s stressful to have to worry about the kids, the finances, and everyone’s medical issues. I’m tired. I’m just so tired.
I keep trying my best, but I’d love to get out of this industry. I wish we had the financial stability for this to even be an option. But, we don’t, so it isn’t. I’m rotting away at my desk, trying my best to just do my job and fly under the radar. I don’t know if I am, as our annual reviews aren’t for another few weeks.
The increased anxiety might be due to the upcoming review. Our raises were shit last year. They’ll be shit again this year, despite our company pulling in billions every quarter. They can’t even bother giving us the typical inflation raise.
The worst of it is, though, the market is saturated with people who have my degree. Only the shittiest of the shitty are hiring with competitive wages. So, I have to stay. I have to swallow my pride and take my pathetic raise. I have to try to remember that I am doing my best, but, that’s really hard.
I have debated trying to get some new certifications. But, every time I try to study, I get super fatigued and the headaches come roaring back. I’ve tried this several times now, and it always ends the same way. I give up because I just don’t have the mental bandwidth to do it.
I have this overwhelming sense of doom and I don’t really know why. I’m just waiting for it to all fall apart. Anxiety, is that you?
I had to dip into my savings to pay for the repairs to the dilapidated dining room. I curse the builder of this home who cut corners and fucked it all up. Now, I’m trying my best to dig us out of this hole from the repairs.
The anxiety is overwhelming at times. I vented to a friend of mine last week, and she took hours to respond. She eventually said she had been thinking of what to say back to me and couldn’t think of anything. That just made me feel worse, in a way.
I don’t know what I’m doing most of the time. I rarely see the kids because I’m always working. I haven’t seen my family since the kids started school. I wanted to protect my parents from COVID, so I didn’t want to visit them in case one of the kids brought it home.
I have to work this weekend, and then the kids and I are off next Monday. I have plans for my parents to come over. It will be good to see them.
The problem will be the neuro-fatigue. The kids will inevitably be chaotic, trying their best to outdo each other to gain my parents’ attention. I will be coming off of a 7 day stretch of working. I will already be tired and worn thin.
Everything is just so impossible.